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Pegasus XingIt's probably the best that I know of... September 29 dawning of a new era...well, faithful readers...a new day is upon us. a new day that includes a leap from this windows live space. to a new and beautiful one hosted by google. (is there anything they don't do?). It's been 19 months of blogging goodness here, but like my good friend John Legend says: a change is gonna come..."
I will not be making this epic leap alone. i am holding the hands of my compatriots: Matt, Jon, and Mike, and we are leaping together: a real family with a real family blog.
the ablogolypse is upon you.
Sincerely and Forever,
Cas September 18 one of those days...how often do you have "one of those days"? ...those days that you know will be busy, but seem to start off well enough, so you begin to have a little hope for them...then as things progress and no major disasters have befallen you, you start to have outright confidence in your day-handling abilities...maybe your confidence morphs into cockiness as you glide up and down the streets on a blissful run that just feels right, and you marvel at your time management skills - you are master of your day, today! take that!
...
then it's noon, and it as you're soaring around in the high that has been your mightily successful morning, you get a little to close to the sun of your achievements, and it all comes crashing down - Icarus style. (now that's what I call a metaphor!)
today, i did indeed hit my plateau at noon. my classes after that point dragged, and my scriptwriting meeting was unproductive. i forgot things at home for an information session my drama company was having, broke a window in the room we had booked (literally just by touching the glass) and upon finally getting organized, the session ended up being severely under-populated. To top it all off, my co-host hopeful and I didn't get the time slot we wanted for our radio show (which now has a distinct chance of becoming a thing of the past) and I have a proposal due tomorrow for which i am fresh out of ideas. (begs the question as to why i am using my time to write here...)
yep, it's just been one of those days...another reminder of why doing things on my own, or purely for my own reasons would be ultimately fruitless...at the very least, it's nice to know God is helping me to develop a sense of humour concerning circumstance, and allowing me to discover the silver linings inside my efforts that seem to be failures at first glance.
cheers to trying again tomorrow...
||CAS|| September 12 and so it begins...yesterday was the first day back to school...it's amazing what that looks like after a while...
when I was in elementary school, I was awake way before my parents on the first day. i picked out my outfit the night before, then changed it thirteen times that morning, before settling on the waffle tee with the red denim shorts (yep, i was the fashion icon of the school...obviously). i had my lunch packed and ready to go and hoped none of the other kids were going to make fun of the lunchbox or what was inside. i hoped my backback, hairdo, sneaker choice and ten-years-beyond-my-time dangly earrings would all receive the stamp of approval...
high school was a bit luckier - i wore a uniform, and not an uncomfortable one. we had golf shirts and button downs and beige pants and blue pants and hoodies and tee shirts and the list went on. of course, on that sunny morning of my first day of grade nine, i was hoping that my aloofness to the entire situation looked sincere...
having just started my fourth year of university, i realise a couple things...i'm more practical: i had plans to go to the gym, so showering for my first class wasn't necessary; i've seen these people for four years now - they've seen me looking worse, i'm sure. with that, i'm more comfortable/confident: while i still like to put a certain amount of effort into my appearance, i know it's not what's actually going to get the grades i want, or plan the events i'm committed to, or send the 900 emails i need to get out by the end of the hour. if i wore it yesterday, and its still clean, let's give it another go. if it ain't broke, don't fix it!
...
one thing that hasn't changed though, is the excitement factor. in fact, i'm sure it's only increased, though now i am unabashedly keen on my courses, and the aloof thing has fallen into disuse. despite an extremely busy start, i am truly looking forward to this year. I love my courses and my program; i love the church i go to and the things i am/can get involved with there; i love think inc and its attached craziness; i love the house i live in, and the people that i share it with; i love the people that i choose to spend that ever-elusive "free time" with...and though it's a challenge to say the least, i love knowing that all of it will come together, even if it means tears, or frustration, or lack of sleep...and oppositely, knowing that it will always mean change, growth, and that ever present excitement...
August 19 empathy......10 minutes ago, i went to answer our doorbell, which was ringing insistently. i had been in my room, reading and generally doing nothing of consequence when the doorbell started going nuts.
our house is a split level, so i climbed the stairs from my room, and rounded the corner to climb the next set, and saw the lights reflecting off the walls already: blue and white and red...muted through the curtains, but still panicked. they only got brighter as i came past the living room and towards the door.
my heart stopped and my mind went into a mental fetal position...trying to stave off the ugly thoughts that kept flashing through my brain: someone is hurt. someone is dead. someone is here to tell you about it. the someone on the other side of the door is going to wreck your entire world. this cannot happen again. do not open the door. pretend like you're not home. wake up...
i opened the door and the doorbell stopped ringing and my neighbour-to-the-right was standing there. there was a paramedic's truck parked in front of our house, a fire truck at the top of the court, and an ambulance parked in the driveway, next door...to the left. i have never been so relieved.
immediately following that, i felt awful for it...but it's true...i felt better knowing that those lights weren't flashing for someone in my family. our other neighbours were out on their driveways, curious and concerned - hopefully not in that order. a stretcher eventually was loaded into the back of the ambulance in the driveway and all three vehicles drove off. i pray that everything is ok...i pray that the family is ok, and that everyone will check out in good health...but i can't help but be thankful that it's not my family. does that make me a horrible person?
where do my problems stop and theirs begin...? it's so much easier to forget about when it's not your pain. how far does empathy go? not too sound grotesquely grandiose, but how much is this one, isolated situation indicative of global attitudes to larger-scale problems? it seems we don't have to look much further than recent news headlines to confirm those suspicions...
...so what now? August 06 Ha!i LAUGH in the face of long-distance running: HA! HA!
some of you may remember a post i , well, ...posted...some time ago concerning my plans for running this summer. it involved working towards completing the Run For The Cure in October without walking, passing out, throwing up, or all of the above. my plan involved mapping out a 7km round trip route from my house, and sticking to it until I could confidently run 5km. That happened about 3wks ago. TONIGHT, for the FIRST TIME, i RAN THE WHOLE DANG THING! all 7 km of it! So, take THAT hills, valleys, heat, humidity, wind, and rain! I WIN!
Maybe this doesn't seem like a big deal to you. maybe in your head (or outloud - you do what you like) you are saying: "So what, Catherine Ward, I run 45 miles each and every morning before I have my coffee. 7km is child's play." Well, to you I say, pipe down. I am the girl who could run about 1km without wanting to walk the other 6 when I first started. I am the girl who had to work towards running for 2 mins on, and 2 mins off without being exhausted by the end. I am the girl who was carted away from a soccer field at 17 in an ambulance with an asthma attack, and cut from the soccer team at 19 when my asthma got too bad to continue. Now, I am the girl who can run 7 whole kilometres - and I did it in 3 months. I would say that a 6 km increase in 90 days is pretty aaaaaaaalriiiiiiight. I dare you to disagree with me. if you do, i'll fight you - and don't bother trying to run away - I tell you boldly: you have met your match!
::She of the Fleet Foot::
ps - props to Jill and the Big Guy for being the audience of 2 for whom I am running (what? every great athlete needs a dedication! :P )
July 31 a veritable adventure...nope, i didn't fight a girl child or a man-boy like our good friend, the doctor. instead, after 5 overnights in a row at the good ol' casino, i headed off the guelph for some incestuously collaborative musical magic only available, it seems, in canada.
after getting stuck in traffic for 1000 hours, hillside was the final destination, and it was well worth it. we set up camp, and unlike last year, managed to get to the grounds early enough to see the friday evening concerts which included some amazing performances from Malajube (can see why they're nominated for the Polaris) and The Stills.
Saturday was jammed with concerts, too. There was a giant Queen's contingent, but my travel date Leann, and I stuck together in the thick of things on Saturday. We were up front and in the middle of shows from the Sadies, the COnstantines, Land of Talk, the Meligrove Band, Jason Collett, The Hidden Cameras, Amy Millan, Cuff the Duke, Holy F*&#!, Final Fantasy, the Lovely Feathers, and Sarah Harmer. It was HOT too - instead of brushing by people in a crowd, you would stick to them - everyone jostling with bags and vendor merchandise and concert tees, and every manner of hippie, tie-dyed, pipe dried, queer pride, dreadlocked, stilted appendage known to earth-friendly (wo)man. it was a sight to behold.
All of this activity on Saturday, meant that on Sunday, Leann and I were content to take a peripheral approach to our enjoyment of the day's performances: The Hylozoists, The Blow, Republic of Safety, C'mon, Torngat, The Hidden Cameras (again), the COnstantines (again), and parts of Cadence Weapon and Feist.
My personal faves from the whole thing were Malajube (despite not understanding a word), Final Fantasy, the stills, the Meligrove Band, and Holy F*$#! At times it was hard to separate one band from another though, as everyone from any and every band seemed to make an appearance on the stage at someone else's performance to chip in a vocal harmony, bang a glockenspiel, smash a keyboard, or lay down some sweet licks in general.
Final Verdict: Amazing with a side of Spectacular and Highly Recommended to EVERYONE!
Today, after doing laundry, airing out tents, and cleaning up....I'm exhausted. The nightshifts are catching up to me, the lack of sleep is kicking in...and I wouldn't have it any other way. This kind of summer tired is a lot different than the type undergone while at school, and I intend to savour every minute of it!
::Cas::
ps - i'll be updating my Hillside photo album as soon as I get some pictures back from my own camera, and others'. July 12 it ends here...maybe...why i keep sniping things from the third space site is beyond me....ok, it's not really - i happen to be loving what they have to say lately. and since i haven't been able to make it to church of late (due to time constraints placed upon me by "the man" aka "the job"), their website is as close as i can come to community short of *gasp* meeting up with church people for coffee or whatnot outside church *the horrors!!!*
anyway, excuses aside, i really do think original thoughts from time to time - honestly - however, it just so happens that in uncanny fashion, the good folks at the third space seem to be echoing mine of late...or vice versa - whichever you prefer.
having recently thought much of politics and policies and blindness and stubbornness and pride and all of the kinds of things that get in between us and relationships; community; each other... I decided i really didn't want to care about any of it anymore. I didn't want to pretend that i had, or knew who (as in another human being) had, the definitive answers. All in all, each of us is only taking his or her best or worst educated, or most or least heartfelt, soul-searched crack at what the answers are - and that's great...but, in the end, we don't have a say. And, in the end when I face God, I want this to be the way i've lived my life...thanks to Dave for finding the words:
::Cas:: July 06 poaching expedition extended...this is an entry from my church blog, posted by the intern that is currently working there. i am posting it here b/c i think it's pretty great, and pretty timely, given the conversations that i myself have been having with God lately..."we are all full of cracks. that's how the light gets in..."
thank you, intern. you think great thoughts.
::Cas:: June 29 come clean...I poached this link from another link poacher, and though gimmicky...it's strangely cathartic. and, if nothing else, a pretty cool website.
...reminds me of postsecret.
Cas June 25 fake it 'till you make it...here at home, i belong to a relatively new church. it's only been around for a couple of years, and it's "unconventional" to say the least. i don't know what kinds if images that word conjures to mind for you, but the reality in terms of the third space, translates into a relaxed atmosphere, a lot of talking, a lot of coffee, and a lot of really great dialogue on some pretty important points of scripture, culture, and life in general....key word there being 'dialogue'.
anyway, this morning, dave and chris were talking about structure, which at first seems antithetical to what the third space looks like on the surface. they were talking about boards and elders and other things that need to be addressed in order for our church to really live out it's mission...in order for our seemingly unstructured expression of worship to remain in tact, and for it to be able to grow. despite the scary terms, i don't think that calling the core people of the church "a board" or "the elders" changes who they are, or the direction they see the third space going in. that's what i love about my church at home - it's authenticity. dave shared the slogan that he and chris had when starting up a church - something both of them had a vision for, but no idea how to do - "fake it 'till you make it"
how much of our own lives are lived the very same way? sometimes i find myself praying by rote, or doing things in my spiritual life because i 'feel like i should.' i used to feel pretty guilty about this; like a fake, and a bad christian...but i've come to look at it like exercise: it's work, and you can never really enjoy it until it becomes a routine, but there's a lot of mornings that you would rather do anything other than put on those running shoes - spiritual, or otherwise.
this line of thought fits nicely with a passage in anne lamott's book "Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith" that I am currently reading. the passage concerns David, the monologist and pastor of the Church of 80% Sincerity:
"'We in the Church of Eighty Percent Sincerity do not believe in miracles,' he said. 'But we do believe that have to stay alert, because good things happen. WHen God opens the door, you've got to put your foot in. Eighty percent sincerity is about as good as it's going to get. So is eighty percent compassion. Eighty percent cellabacy. So twenty percent of the time, you just get to be yourself.' [...] As he explains it, in the CHurch of 80% Sincerity, everyone has to come to understand that unconditional love is a reality, but with a shelf life of about 8 to 10 seconds. Instead of beating yourself up because you feel it only fleetingly, you should savour those moments when it appears. As David puts it, 'We might say to our beloved, 'Honey, I've been having these feelings of unconditional love for you for the last 8 to 10 seconds.' Or 'Darling, I'll love you until the very end of dinner.'"
...
so what do you think...about any of it? is it authentic? is it "real CHrisianity"? do we know what that looks like? or, in accepting our 80% limitations; not striving for 100%; faking structure until it turns into something solid...are we letting ourselves down/off the hook?
...
amazing grace...
||- Cas -||
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